I wonder as a I wander
Sometimes I wonder...if I had everything I think I want, would I then be content? I don't think I would. I think I'm one of those people always looking for something else. The next big thing. The next adventure. And I'm finally hitting the point where I'm wondering--is this all there is?
I thought some day I'd feel fulfilled, content, like I fit perfectly somewhere. But that day has never arrived. Even after I got married in 2009...I came home from the honeymoon on a Tuesday, had the rest of the week off to clean and rest up. But I just sat there...in the dark...motionless and depressed. Like--this is it? This isn't any different than being unmarried. I'm still missing something.
Some would say I need a child to be fulfilled, but I've never wanted children.* It's just not the right thing for me. Then there's my career--I make a modest salary in public service. I'm sure some people think more money would make me happy. But alas, I tried private practice and mo money...didn't work. I even tried quitting the practice of law for a bit. Nope. So what's left?
The only answer I have now is "nothing" and that's what makes me sad. What if this is it? What if I've reached peak happiness? That just feels so depressing. It makes me think "Why even bother? Why try? There's nothing out there to gain from it." So I sit...in the dark...staring off into space.
Don't worry, I'm not going to jump off a cliff. I just have this unshakeable feeling that this is it. I have a good job, good friends, a lovely condo, a fantastic pupper, and a car I love. So I'm quite blessed to be honest. Objectively I know that. Subjectively, I feel like I still have a gaping hole in my life that I need to fill.
So I travel and buy material things and go on adventurous dates...searching for that missing piece of the puzzle. And though I joke about Chris Evans, I'm sure if I met him, I'd probably be disappointedly underwhelmed, or I'd freeze up and barely speak to him which would result in me mentally flogging myself for my own cowardice.
Of course, I continue to date people in my universe. I even date people who I think are less attractive and less successful than me in an attempt to check my own ego. But those people inevitably reject me. They probably sense my disappointment and sadness despite my overtures to try and get to know them better. And I sound like an asshole right now, but so be it. I'm being honest. I find that most people are assholes when they're honest.
Regardless, here I sit...trying to get someone I shouldn't chase to try and pay attention to me. But again--for what? He can't make me happy. Only I can do that, and I don't think my ego will ever let me be happy. The best I can hope for is be not unhappy.
*Never as in "while in my normal mindset." I did have a brief moment after turning 30, and while my marriage was tanking that I considered having a child. I also just assumed I'd have them when I was younger because that's what people do.
I thought some day I'd feel fulfilled, content, like I fit perfectly somewhere. But that day has never arrived. Even after I got married in 2009...I came home from the honeymoon on a Tuesday, had the rest of the week off to clean and rest up. But I just sat there...in the dark...motionless and depressed. Like--this is it? This isn't any different than being unmarried. I'm still missing something.
Some would say I need a child to be fulfilled, but I've never wanted children.* It's just not the right thing for me. Then there's my career--I make a modest salary in public service. I'm sure some people think more money would make me happy. But alas, I tried private practice and mo money...didn't work. I even tried quitting the practice of law for a bit. Nope. So what's left?
The only answer I have now is "nothing" and that's what makes me sad. What if this is it? What if I've reached peak happiness? That just feels so depressing. It makes me think "Why even bother? Why try? There's nothing out there to gain from it." So I sit...in the dark...staring off into space.
Don't worry, I'm not going to jump off a cliff. I just have this unshakeable feeling that this is it. I have a good job, good friends, a lovely condo, a fantastic pupper, and a car I love. So I'm quite blessed to be honest. Objectively I know that. Subjectively, I feel like I still have a gaping hole in my life that I need to fill.
So I travel and buy material things and go on adventurous dates...searching for that missing piece of the puzzle. And though I joke about Chris Evans, I'm sure if I met him, I'd probably be disappointedly underwhelmed, or I'd freeze up and barely speak to him which would result in me mentally flogging myself for my own cowardice.
Of course, I continue to date people in my universe. I even date people who I think are less attractive and less successful than me in an attempt to check my own ego. But those people inevitably reject me. They probably sense my disappointment and sadness despite my overtures to try and get to know them better. And I sound like an asshole right now, but so be it. I'm being honest. I find that most people are assholes when they're honest.
Regardless, here I sit...trying to get someone I shouldn't chase to try and pay attention to me. But again--for what? He can't make me happy. Only I can do that, and I don't think my ego will ever let me be happy. The best I can hope for is be not unhappy.
*Never as in "while in my normal mindset." I did have a brief moment after turning 30, and while my marriage was tanking that I considered having a child. I also just assumed I'd have them when I was younger because that's what people do.
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