Shopping Ban...Day 23

On January 1, 2019, I began a shopping ban, courtesy of a Caitlyn Flanders and her book "A Year of Less." I also took a lot of time combing through my worldly belongings and clothing to weed out what I don't need. Move aside Marie Kondo, Caitlyn Flanders is so much better at this. It's not so much about decluttering as it is about taking stock of what we really need and use and trying not to be so consumer driven.

So, the way this Shopping Ban works.

1. Create a list of essentials--things you're allowed to purchase as they are necessities (food, pet care items, medications, etc.)
2. Create a list of non-essentials--not allowed to buy unless something breaks and is an absolute necessity (electronics, clothing, furniture, games, etc.)
3. Create an Approved Shopping List--things that aren't necessities, but items you plan to buy in the next year and are within the budget (Paint & home improvement items, wine (don't judge), vegetable plants, Arcade Expo tickets/hotel, gifts, etc.)

All credit to Caitlyn Flanders and her book, and I highly recommend you read it for context. Her story is amazing and inspiring. Your lists will be specific to you, as she explains.

So...Day 23...and it's definitely not easy. A couple of weeks ago I went into a department store with my mother to help her shop for a coat. I felt twitchy. Seriously, I felt that urge to buy. I found a cute cardigan on clearance and it would look so good. But I stopped myself. I don't need another sweater. First, I rarely wear the damn things as I'm hot 90% of the time. Second, I have several sweaters and cardigans that fit and are neutral colors. Why would I need a gray cardigan? I don't. That's the answer.

What is that compulsion to buy? It's like a drug. My brain was begging for a hit of dopamine. Why do I get a high out of buying stuff? It's disturbing. I never realized it was happening. I started feeling clammy in that department store as I saw clearance items and pretty things. I saw this beautiful coat and I'm very happy it was waaaay too small. I saw it from behind...pale blue, opera style, clean lines...I turned it around...Kate Spade. Well of course I feel in love with it. Katie (may she rest in peace) and I go way back. I've long been addicted to the brand.

All that being said, I don't need a new coat. The coat I have is warm, a good length, fits, and has a hood. I live in Northern Indiana and I have to walk a dog up here...I need a coat like this. The Kate Spade coat was not warm and had no hood. It was a fashion piece. I've always been drawn to pretty things. Things I want and don't need. As my friend Steve says--I like the shiny baubles. 

He is right. That is my downfall. I think I got married because Michael was my shiny bauble. He was attractive, funny, and (allegedly) had money...to buy more shiny baubles. That's not to say I didn't love him--I did. I think a part of me will always love him. We shared almost 4 years together. If we're being honest, I loved being married. I loved that feeling of being part of a team. I see married couples and I'm a little jealous. I don't know if I'll ever get married again (for a number of reasons), but a part of me misses it. Michael and I weren't perfect, and he didn't treat me with respect at the end, but we were happy for a little while. Ultimately we weren't right for each other and I'm happy he ended it, though again I wish he'd have done it in a better way. He's now married to the woman he met days after our honeymoon. As most people know I always suspected there was something off about their relationship and now I know why. I have forgiven him, but I will never forget. And that's my big problem.

How do I ever trust anyone else? I gave someone everything and he took and took and took. And then he ripped my heart out. How does this relate to my shopping ban? Well...after we split, I started feeling more of a need to fill that void with anything that spiked my dopamine: wine, food, buying. This shopping ban addresses all of them. I am not allowed to buy most things, have a budget for wine, and focus my food purchases on things I can make to take for lunch instead of eating out everyday at work.

So maybe if I get my shopping and indulging under control, I can find a way to trust my instincts and others again. Even if that doesn't happen, I'll get my spending and debt under control. There are no downsides to this goal. Bring on Day 24.