Letting Go...Finally?
The last couple of nights of dreaming have been...interesting. The days too. It started Friday night. I dreamt of Michael. It was an interesting dream. He wanted me back in his life and he was moving to Kansas. And I felt happy and loved. But I said no...I wasn't coming with him. And I felt good about that decision. I woke up that morning suddenly wanting to get married again for the first time in 8 years. I then spent the day fantasizing about a wedding, watching Say Yes to the Dress, and essentially planning my next wedding. Yes, I am aware that I am 1) not engaged, and 2) not even dating someone. Yet it gave me an odd sense of hope to feel hopeful about a future wedding.
I'm sure this all seems rather nutty, but I think this was my subconscious finally moving past the past. I know it has been eight years so most people will think, "you're still not over this?" But to those people I say this--that divorce was more than losing a husband. I lost my husband, my best friend, my home, some friends, and my identity. And that doesn't even address the loss of the dream I had of who I would be...who WE would be.
Regardless, I woke up that morning feeling more hopeful and alive than I have in a long while. And it had nothing to do with a man for the first time ever. I just finally felt free of the past and optimistic about my future. Then the next night I dreamt of another ex. Nothing bad every happened with him other than he didn't want to marry me (bad for me at the time). But the dream was good. We were back together and content, but he wouldn't do anything to fight for me, which was why we ended up apart so long ago. At the end of it all, walking away was easy...because he wouldn't fight for me.
I had another dream the other night about a different Ex. It was similar to the one I just discussed. All of these dreams of past relationships have been good for me. I feel strong. I feel confident. I feel motivated to stop being so reclusive and get back out in the world. I'm finally ready to try again. FINALLY.
I'm sure this all seems rather nutty, but I think this was my subconscious finally moving past the past. I know it has been eight years so most people will think, "you're still not over this?" But to those people I say this--that divorce was more than losing a husband. I lost my husband, my best friend, my home, some friends, and my identity. And that doesn't even address the loss of the dream I had of who I would be...who WE would be.
Regardless, I woke up that morning feeling more hopeful and alive than I have in a long while. And it had nothing to do with a man for the first time ever. I just finally felt free of the past and optimistic about my future. Then the next night I dreamt of another ex. Nothing bad every happened with him other than he didn't want to marry me (bad for me at the time). But the dream was good. We were back together and content, but he wouldn't do anything to fight for me, which was why we ended up apart so long ago. At the end of it all, walking away was easy...because he wouldn't fight for me.
I had another dream the other night about a different Ex. It was similar to the one I just discussed. All of these dreams of past relationships have been good for me. I feel strong. I feel confident. I feel motivated to stop being so reclusive and get back out in the world. I'm finally ready to try again. FINALLY.
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