Open Letter to Chris Evans

Dear Chris (I’d call you Mr. Evans, but you’re slightly younger than me)--

This is an apology. For all the women who profess a love for you when we’ve never met you. I know I’m guilty of this.  It seems totally cray cray.  And while I don’t claim to be the most mentally stable person on earth, I’ve got a decent grip on reality.  I would never actually, physically stalk a person or cause harm to another unless it was necessary to protect myself or others.  I do feel the need to explain this odd obsession that has developed, however.

When I was younger, I thought I was in love with Donnie Wahlberg (fellow Bostonian, maybe we have a pattern), but alas it was merely a crush of a pre-teen.  Then there was Luke Perry--oh Dylan, you were so tragically hot.  I’m sure there were others, but those were the poster boys of my youth.  I didn’t know these people at all. I saw them on tv acting, or performing in music videos, but that was about it. I never even saw New Kids on the Block in concert until I was almost 30.  And yes, there’s still a fondness for Donnie--he has a very nice set of muscles. But if I met him, I wouldn’t melt into a puddle of the twelve year old I once was.  However, in the age of the internet and the media blitz, crushes are different.  I can see a picture or video of you anytime I want.  I can see not just your movies on demand, but I can see videos of you...being you. I feel like I know what you’re like to an extent.  Obviously, I don’t know you and I’m sure you aren’t showing everything of who you are in public, but occasionally we can see the real Evans poking through the public image.  And it’s adorable.

You seem so nice and gentlemanly, but still fun...and funny.  You have a deep love of your family, which is very admirable and unusual in Hollywood stars.  You get genuinely embarrassed at the attention you get, or when your brother Scott tells stories of you as a child.  It’s like we can see a glimpse into who you really are.  And you’re awesome.   You’re not just incredibly attractive, and buff, but you’re a good guy.  I’m not sure if you’re aware of the lack of incredibly attractive, good, single guys.  Most of the attractive ones are jerks or married.  Most of the single, nice ones are...well...a quivering mass of uncertainty and generally lack any confidence whatsoever.  It’s really quite sad for a chick in search of a hot nerd to call her own.

So, I guess what I’m saying is--this is really your fault for being so damn cool.  If you were the typical d-bag in Hollywood, I wouldn’t feel anything but lust for you.  I’d ogle your man-parts and think about how much fun it would be to rip that Captain America suit off, and then I’d move on to another hot celeb to ogle.  But no!  You have to be all awesome and shit.  What’s a girl to do?  In the trailer for your movie Before We Go,  you say “You love who you love. It sucks.”  Yes.  It does suck.  I know I’m never going to meet you and even if I did meet you I’d be so freaked out I’d say something nice and then avert my eyes for fear of being burned by flying too close to the sun.  Even if I did manage to have a normal conversation with you, you’re freaking Chris Evans--you could pretty much land any straight chick/gay guy you wanted...probably some lesbians and straight guys too.  And I’m not putting myself down--I’m an attractive gal, but I’m not Elizabeth Olson or Lily Collins or Sandra Bullock.  I’ll never be that and that’s okay, but it just sucks to know I can never catch the sun.  

So, maybe this wasn’t a great apology, but I do feel bad that you are inundated with attention that clearly makes you uncomfortable. I try not to do anything but ogle so as to not perpetuate that discomfort, but here I am writing an open letter to you...drawing attention to you.  Sorry for that!  But I guess on second thought...I won’t apologize for falling for someone so genuine and nice, even if I’ve never met him.  I guess you’re like the senior basketball player that a freshman girl just wishes for even though she knows it won’t happen.  Unfortunately for all men though, you’ve raised the bar to an unattainable level...and I’d rather be single than settle for less than what I want.  Thank you for being a great guy--or at least appearing to be one.  Those are few and far between these days...the world needs more Caps, more people like you.  And I promise if I ever do meet you, I won’t make you uncomfortable--I’ll say hi, tell you I love your work, and then walk away.  You won’t even remember me and I guess that’s okay because if I met you, it might shatter the illusion.  And neither of us wants that, right?

Sincerely,

Morgan

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